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I was driving up my street one night about ten years ago, looking for a decent parking spot, when I found one about 75 yards from my apartment -- a rare opportunity on a Friday night. Just as I was about to back in, however, a guy in a new SUV quickly pulled right in behind me and took the space. I sat there for a moment, hoping perhaps that he'd realize the enormity of his crime. Instead, he hopped out of his car and strolled into another building. I’d been having a rotten week already, and this little indignity sent me over the edge.
I turned around immediately, double-parked in front of my building, and ran inside. I grabbed a half-dozen eggs from the fridge.
For the next five minutes I drove up and down the street, pelting the SUV relentlessly and accurately. Whack! Thump! Smack! By the time I finished, the driver's side door was a bloody, snotty stew of yolk and shells. Satisfied with my work and practically bursting with self-righteous glee, I parked farther up the street and headed home. As I passed by the egg-splattered car, its owner was walking up the street toward me. My man was quite angry and quite a bit larger than I had initially perceived him to be. I tried to appear less nervous than I actually was. The performance must not have been convincing, because he followed me down the street and stopped me right in front of my building.
"Hey!" he barked. "You're the guy who was just looking for a parking spot, weren't you?"
"Well, yes, I was looking for a spot....."
"Then you're the guy who just egged my car."
"What?"
"Yeah, you just egged my car."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," I lied.
"Don't fucking lie to me -- you were driving around looking for a spot, I beat you to it, and you egged my car.”
"No, I didn't. I just parked up the street."
"And you didn't egg my car?"
"Of course not."
"You're lying. I saw your face when I cut you off and took that spot. You egged my car. Don't lie to me."
"I wish I knew what to tell you. I didn't egg your car."
It went on like this for about two or three minutes. I was pretty sure I was not going to make it through the conversation with all my teeth in tact.
"I'll tell you what," he finally said, "I could kick your ass right now, but I'm not going to because you might have AIDS and I don't want your blood on me. But I know what you car looks like, and I'm going to be a man and let you know ahead of time that I'm gonna do something to it. You egged my car, and I'm just letting you know that I'm gonna to take care of things."
"Again, I wish I knew what to tell you, but----"
"I'm just telling you, ok, for your own benefit, that I know what your car looks like, and I'm going to do something to it."
"OK, you do that."
He was bluffing as much as I was, but I was quite terrified anyway. When I went out to my car the next morning it was untouched. Fortunately, my new friend didn't make an earnest effort to find it, because I had left the empty egg carton in the front seat of my car.
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and you babbled about it on the internet?
you are such a douche.
i hope dude stumbles on this like i did and brings charges, maybe one of your douche friends or a mad ex will point him towards your confession.
kids these days are such losers.