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Over the years, I have come to realize I am not perfect. This is one of those discoveries that get easier to deal with as we get older. Sure, we are all invincible through our teen years, and our early twenties are typically spent fighting to establish ourselves in the professional world. So it is no surprise by the time you hit thirtyish that you reflect on the times you were humbled over the years to get where we are at that moment. When I recall these little pieces of life I wish I could block out, the one that refuses to quit its existence is the time I was shrunk by a dwarf.
I was dating this girl right out of graduation. We went to different schools and were each other’s date to the prom our senior year. We worked together, spent as much time together the summer before college, and made the most of a long distance relationship for the semester she was away. We soon became engaged, because I had no better idea of how life should be, and planned to be married well after college. It was almost like a promise years down the road. We all know how most of these turn out, and ours was no different. Unable to bear being treated like a second class human any longer, I did what most noble men do: fell in love with another woman on the side. I mean, who needs the aggravation of a dumping, right? I admit it now, I handled the entire situation poorly, and I could have spared some feelings by jumping ship way before I did, but I am only human.
After a few months of clawing her way along the outskirts of my life to try and stay relevant, she finally, so I thought, accepted it and moved on. Meanwhile, in a happier life, my new girlfriend and I were having the time of our lives. Every weekend, we would make it a point to join a friend or two at the local club and hang out. We had it down to a science: drink for free in the car before going in, then buy a few drinks at the inflated prices, and the night would last forever. As an added bonus, by the time we got into the club, we were trashed and had no care in the world what was going on. The world was ours.
The night in remembrance went like most others, at first. We stumbled in a little after midnight, and before we knew it, the clock was telling us it was time for a smoke break. You could still smoke inside at the time, so we strolled down to the smoker’s hallway by the bathrooms. The ladies went in to powder their nose as I leaned against the payphone and lit a cigarette, when out of nowhere my ex-fiancé’s little 2-foot cousin was in my face, giving me the evil eye, with her manly 9-foot “friend” standing shotgun. I looked at them for a second, until my brain registered who they were, but before I could mutter a word, she was in my face, going off on me. “How could you treat my cousin like that?!” “You are such a worthless piece of s***!!” “I wish you would rot in hell!!” Mind you, the berating took place in front of 50 other people that filled the hallway. I looked around, keeping a smile on my face as she continued to bark into it. I felt like I shrunk to the size of a pea, and this 2-foot midget all of a sudden was towering over me, shoving me into a corner and stomping me down to the floor.
The funny part came when my girlfriend and her friend poke their head out of the bathroom door. Had the giant of a woman not been standing there blocking them off so they could not jump to my defense, they still would not have had a clue. They both look at me with excitement in their eyes, yelling “OOOhh!! What’s going on? Who’s getting yelled at out here?” I look at them with a smirk, then to the screaming woman and her sidekick, then back to them, as if to confirm visually what was happening. Completely missing the cue, they continue, trying to push past the wall in front of them, before they realize I was the center of attention. The cigarette, still burning in my lips, dangled ashes all over my shirt as I stood there defenseless.
As much as I wanted to bolt out of the place the second her cousin ended the production and stormed out of the hallway, my stubbornness did not want to let her feel any victory. We stayed the remainder of the evening, taking every shot from the rest of the crowd replaying my embarrassment. After sucking it up, the lights came on and we left, leaving a little piece of my soul on the walls of that club. I will never forget the time I was downsized with such verbal abuse. Of course, I probably deserved it, but no guy ever wants to feel that small at the expense of a 2-foot woman. It was the smallest I have ever been made to feel in my life.
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